GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Basically.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
at ease…shoulder.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it