Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick