My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
But I really needed water water water
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.