Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.