If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?