My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
How do dragons blow out candles?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
This is me 🤣🤣
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]