Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
this has done me in for some reason
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs