My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Room with a view.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.