You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines