I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I have so many questions.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.