The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’ve had worse
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head