ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken