Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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There’s never enough good news
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Cake!!
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)