[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
the icebreaker
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this