Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
ugh not again
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts