@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

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@_NinJar

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

@withanewname

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

@MrDelFreaky

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

@Reverend_Scott

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

@JustBeingEmma

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.