When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.