me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!