Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Namaste
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open