If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My first son he is wonderful
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.