A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
You Might Also Like
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.