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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Perfect.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?