A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome