ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming