Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Sunday
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
welp
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Dune (2021)
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.