ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Breaking news:
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
scares