Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”