Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
![]()
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
The Eggorcist
![]()
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:![]()
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath