I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
prepare for carbonated trouble
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
what the
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.