We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?