[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*sewing*
A thread
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.