Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me too
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.