Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists