Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator