Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.