Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Goodnight 🐶
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
#Caturday
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them