“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.