This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country