@NotTodayEric
@maryfairybobrry Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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@maryfairybobrry 
@AnniemuMary Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
@yoyoha STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
@iamburtjarvis [at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
@internetluke GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
@XplodingUnicorn Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
@STRIKINGxVIKING “I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
@TheAlexNevil Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
@HumorTV__ 😂😂😂
@jzux me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre