Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Wake me when AI does housework
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!