things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying