I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Help Wanted
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box