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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
choose your fighter
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.