Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Jail
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.