My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
How to draw a duck
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no