No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
me when the borders lift
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
There is no “we” in pizza
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.