detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
🤣🤣🤣
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”