It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Wikigenius
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Natural selection at its finest
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things