My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“That’s what” – She
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.