I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy