*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
– a lover
– a sniper
Context is important.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Rejected Olympic Events:
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?