@david8hughes

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

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@briancthayer

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

@topaz_kell

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

@UnFitz

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

@Tmoney68

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons