[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
The Backseat Boys
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit