I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy