I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
i actually laughed 😩
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.