In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet